Tuesday, February 08, 2011

You're a Writer? Oh I'm One Too....An Erotic One That Is!

How many times has this happened to any of you writers out there?
When I was a baby freshman!

Recently, I was chatting with an extremely cute guy. He asked what my major was and I told him Journalism. Of course he assumed I'd be on television but when I told him, "No, I'm a writer." He replied, "Oh so am I! I mainly write poetry though."

Stop right there. Do not pass go. Do not collect $200. I had a severe case of déjà vu. This exact moment had happened four years before when I was a naive and gullible freshman exploring my new state of independence.

Little ol' Naomi met a guy from her apartment complex (bad idea #1). They got to talking...he wasn't her ideal guy but hey, she doesn't discriminate! He asks her what she's majoring in....

Naomi: "Journalism. I want to be a writer."

Boy: "Oh really? Me too! I'm more of a poetry guy though."

Naomi: "Oh cool! I can't write poetry but I do love to read it."

Boy: "We should get together sometime and read each other's stuff.

Naomi: "Sure! That sounds great."

Sigh. Why oh why. What was I thinking!?

The next day he comes over (bad idea #2) and I take out some of my articles and he gives me a folder filled with his poems. I notice that he's not even READING my articles (ouch) he's just skimming them over and looking at the pictures!

I look down at what his poems and lets just say my eyes widened and my mouth dropped. Poems about licking and moaning and body parts....ick! I didn't sign up for this! I thought there would be poems about life and goals and dreams...guess not.
Picture via abiolatv.com

I quickly realized that this was his game! He was using this on me so that I would say "Oh wow...you're really descriptive," or "Oh wow...this puts me in the mood. Naughty boy!" Ha! Do you know who you're dealing with? You may have pulled the wool over my eyes this time, but I'm not stupid!

He asked me what I thought.

"It's interesting," I said.

"Interesting like how," he asked moving closer towards me.

"Just interesting....what'd you think of my articles," I asked slowly moving away from him.

"Oh they were good. Do you want me to READ you one of my poems?" He had the sex eye smirk* on his face. Oh he'd definitely done this before.

"No thanks. I have a lot of writ--I mean homework to do, so you better leave."

He attempted to say something else but when he realized I wasn't giving in or putting out...only putting him out, he shook his head in defeat and left.

I had seen him a couple of times after that, but ultimately I never heard from him again. I found him on Facebook a few months ago, and checked to see what he was doing since we hadn't talked in two years. He's still the same nasty guy he was back when I met him. Except now he has a herd of mindless sheep who applaud his pornographic poems. Yikes.

Fast forward four years later, when this guy tells me he writes poetry. I casually tell him, "Oh that's great. I'm sure it'll take you far in life." He wanted to know if I could critique it for him or if I would just read it in general. I declined, because...well, I am a very busy woman.

* sex eye smirk: When you seductively tell someone ONLY with your eyes that you want to have sex with them, and coyly give he or she the "Oh I know I'm getting some smirk." It has a 75% effective rate on females and a 100% effective rate on males.


  1. Naomi. I think you may be my new favorite writer. That's the good news. The bad news is I think you may need to start writing more--I feel an addiction coming on! Haha :D Absolutely wonderful!